Is this better?

James Petty

As has already been said, and will be said again over the coming weeks, the Clementi/Ravi case is a two-fold tragedy. The death of Tyler Clementi was one of several highly publicised suicides that highlighted to America and the world the often silent destruction wrought as a result of homophobic abuse and bullying. The ‘It Gets Better’ project was a direct response to a ‘cluster’ of suicides, of which Clementi was one.

That, in the case of Clementi, there appears to be explicit, proximate and direct (read: chargeable) causal links between his suicide and the actions of his college roommate Dharun Ravi, is of cold comfort. Ravi has just been convicted of over 15 offences (including tampering with evidence, invasion of privacy, hindering prosecution and the hate-crime charge: ‘bias intimidation’), and faces up to 10 years imprisonment and possible deportation. 

Ravi used the webcam on his computer to watch and film, with a friend, Clementi kissing (though some sources claim it was a sexual encounter) a man in his dorm room. Ravi tweeted about it, sent texts about it to friends and planned to do it again—reportedly planning a ‘viewing party’ for himself and others. Clementi found out, reported it and about two days later, jumped off the George Washington Bridge.

Clementi’s motivations and state of mind are unlikely to become clear to us, his suicide note and the three word documents he left open on his computer have not been released to the public. Nor are we likely to gain much insight into Ravi’s actions and the motivations or beliefs that may have prompted them, the high-profile status of the case ensures that.

Regardless, it is clear Ravi is being made an example of—America could not, despite its best efforts for most of the time, ignore the fact that kids who either were or perceived to be gay were killing themselves, in droves. Ellen Degeneres’ response to the suicides provides a good indication of just how dire the situation was (and likely still is).

That Ravi’s life, whether he goes to prison or not, will be irrevocably changed because of his careless, callous and likely only mildly malicious actions, is a tragic end to a wretched tale. If crimes were punished solely on the intent of the perpetrator, Ravi would likely be a free man. Unfortunately for him America must wash its hands of this and be able to claim that justice was done. And we, in our blood lust, demand a pound of flesh, which must come from somewhere.

If Ravi had not been tried or a not-guilty verdict was reached, I would be outraged and baying for his blood, stung with injustice and bitter with resentment. There is already a lot of talk about whether Ravi should be charged with a hate-crime (hate and callousness are different things), and whether a carceral sentence is appropriate or ‘fair’.

Talk of fairness seems cheap and pinpointing blame on one man in order to achieve ‘justice’ is narrow and shortsighted. If a young kid finds a gun and, without knowing what it can do, kills someone, we don’t charge the child with murder. We seek out the various factors that allowed that situation to occur, that made it possible and then make decisions about blame, about responsibility.

We should do the same here. Ravi, in my opinion, was a kid with a gun and didn’t know what it was capable of. I’m not talking about social media or the internet, I’m talking about his (heterosexual) privilege—his egocentric and hubristic view that his actions would have no consequences, a belief validated in many ways by society. The belief that (gay) people haven’t been bullied and marginalised and that they aren’t sensitive, vulnerable and in need of privacy and respect is dangerous and harmful. These assumptions indicate either a severe narcissism or an utter lack of empathy for the experiences and existences of others.

It might be appealing to instill a single figure with these worrying traits and pariah him, though its far more likely that Clementi’s death and Ravi himself are each products of broader social and systemic trends. Dan Savage, in addressing the verdict, reminds us that Ravi’s actions were likely just the catalyst for Clementi—the accumulated bullying and homophobia that he likely suffered through most of his short life was the real killer, not the silly actions of one unthinking young man.

Single, sane and savage.

JAMES

The other day I was catching up on Dan Savage’s Savage LoveCast for research for the subject I’m tutoring at Uni (last week’s topic was the state regulation of transgressive or problematic sex). I know some people (in the queer community) aren’t big fans of Dan. I know that Ben used to listen but found him too dismissive and often patronising, which I can see.

The reason I like him is and think what he does is so important is because he calls shit for what it is. He does this at both a broader, social level in terms of his writing and broadcasting but also at an individual level with those that call or write in. Let me elaborate.

One podcast I listened to the other day involved a young, gay guy who was 22 and was about six months into his first relationship. His boyfriend had become increasingly obsessed with his sexual history and it had gotten to the stage that he (the boyfriend) was making the caller write essays with in-depth descriptions of his past sexual encounters.

Dan’s advice in his trademark catchphrase: “Dump the motherfucker”. He went on stating the boyfriend’s behaviour is abusive, that he and it won’t change, it will only get worse and to get out while the caller was still 22 and pretty.

I can’t imagine another sex or relationship advice columnist giving such honest and directive advice. To be honest I don’t read a whole lot of it but other relationship and sex advice media seems to insist on people staying in a relationship until it becomes utterly untenable. The perpetuation of this idea that relationships are sacred and should only be left behind in the direst of circumstances is potentially quite harmful.

In his column he responded to a 16-year-old girl who was about to begin having sex with her boyfriend but he didn’t want to use condoms and was also opposed to abortion. She was very sure in her mind that if she became pregnant she would want an abortion but was unsure if her boyfriend would ‘let’ her get one. Again, same advice.

It seems to me that often there is this pressure to not only always give the benefit of the doubt and second chances but to put your own health and well-being in jeopardy for the sake of the relationship’s continuation.

Dan claims to be the only sex/relationships advice columnist that admits some people do end up alone and that this is ok. Further, he claims that it is better to be single by choice than stuck in a shitty, abusive or even just boring relationship. Admittedly in the sentence above I initially wrote ‘alone’ and then changed it to ‘single’.  ‘Alone’ in this sense implies that a committed (read: monogamous) relationship is the sole, or at the very least, the most important source of companionship, connection and happiness that we have access to.

This is a common belief in our society that I, and most people I know, can’t help but adhere to. I’m not saying that people should wait around until the perfect relationship comes along, or that successful relationships don’t require some sacrifices or concessions, but don’t put up with a shit one just because you can’t see a better one on the horizon.